Friday, Jan. 25, 2008

Our child grows inside me..

I asked Lucien if I should seek the advice of a physician and he has agreed with me. Something seems to be wrong since I am tired more than usual and certain foods I smell make me so queasy I have to go outside for a bit of fresh hair. Maybe there is something going around and since I have yet to be stabilized, there is that possibility.

I finally went to a Physician and I am with child. I was surprised yet happy at the same time. I have a little being growing inside me, created through the love of  his or her,  mother and father. It was until recently I felt a light flutter, it scared me but then it became clear. The baby wanted me to know, I am right here. The physician told me I was about 3 moons. That was then but  I am further along now..

My hands touched my belly and I have to say, the feeling is overwhelming. I am anxious and afraid. My emotions are many. Unfortunately I have yet to see him and give him the news. Unaware of how it may be taken. 

I decided to stay with the Physician who tended to me. Its a man yet I feel comfortable with  him. I stayed in his city for a couple of hands and then I will return at the time of my check ups..

And at the same time I still wait for news on the application I sent in to become a scribe. Its been over a moon so I recently sent another scroll to find out what the hold up is, I received a reply so hopefully I shall hear something very soon..

Sunday, Jan ?, 2008

A shadow in the night..

So many things have happened which makes my life worthwhile. From receiving word that I have been accepted into the Scribes Caste to feeling my baby moving inside me. Its something so wonderful and incredible. Something I wished to share with him but he has been away for so long. I often wonder if he even knows I am carrying a child. Have his men gone to camp while I sleep to inform him? I do miss him so much.

Everyday I wait around, hoping one of his men would come whisper in my ear to go meet him but after many hands of waiting, I decided it is best to just find something to do to keep myself busy in the meantime. There is so much I wanted to discuss with him but  his lack of presence has forced me to make a few decisions on my own. I need a home. I have to decide where I would live and have a home built. Arrangements have to be made for the arrival of my unborn as well. All in due time..

Tonight I was laying in bed on my side, staring out the window at the three moons and the many stars which lit up the sky. My hand wrapped around the gift he gave me, the pendant with the three pearls. Thinking and dreaming of him. I heard a knock on the door and I thought it was one of the guards. I walked over and opened the door and there he stood. My heart began to pound in my chest and I reached out for him and he took my hand and entered. The door locked behind him. 

I thought I was dreaming but his embrace, his touch, his whispers..all made me realize he was here with me. I pressed his hand to my belly and whispered if he knew I was with his child. He knew..just as I suspected, one of his men went to inform him while I slept. I love how his hand moved slowly over the swell of my belly. Touching our child with such care. I guided him to my bed..

Asked if he would stay with me and he said words could express how happy that made me feel. Just to feel him so close, feel the heat of his breath, listen to the heart beats in his chest. To feel the softness of his kisses The way he touches me which ignites that flame..a magnetic pull felt in both for one another. How I love him.  A night filled with passion, leaving me fulfilled until the next time he comes to me or sends for me..I held onto him through out the night, half my body draped over his as we soundly slept. The motion of our child restless in my remind me of the gift we now wake and still smell him on me..feel him inside me..  Yes he came like a shadow in the night and took what is solely his..Me..

Fri., Feb. 1, 2008

Due any day..


The changes of my body are incredible. At night I stand before my long mirror and turn in all angles to observe the beautiful swell of my belly which holds our baby. When the baby stretched and you notice an elbow and even a foot. The gentlest touch from my hand calming the movement  to still. The glow of being with child , breath taking. 

The one thing I missed was having the killer at my side while going through each trimester. Once he came in the night of dark and held me close. Feeling the warmth of his arm around me to sleep soundly only to wake and find him gone. It felt like a dream but I knew he was there. 

The time draws near, I can sense it and soon our baby will be born. I am anxious and excited and await the arrival with anticipation. The love I feel for the baby is strong. I will soon become a mother..




Sun., February 3, 2008

Our daughter is born..

I spent the night in labor. I didn't call anyone to my aid but Lucien sent Dirk to find a physician because he refused to deliver a baby, wield a sword he could but delivering a baby? No..I could see he was worried by his expression and I tried to ease his mind, a little laugh escaping from time to time. Until I felt a gush of warm water between my legs the next morning and I became frantic. Was this supposed to happen? A couple of ahns later, I was feeling each pang of pain and it was not an easy task. I panted, cried out and kings I felt as though I could not bare it much longer. 

Dirk finally entered with a Physician and after a few introductions she began to check me and noticed the ring which I asked if it would be a problem to deliver, she said yes but then the question if I was slave or not. Lucien had misplaced my manumission papers but returned a short time after from his room with the papers. I thought the woman was going to walk out on me but relieved when she instructed me to push when ready.

It didn't take long to delivery her. I was overwhelmed when I saw this tiny little body wiggling on my belly when the Physician placed her there. After the cord was cut, I brought her to me and I counted ten little fingers and ten little toes. Checked her whole body and she was perfect, the most beautiful baby on Gor. I cried and held onto my daughter, I am a mother and kings, I love her so much. I fed her from my breast and she suckled. I feel that bonding and she knows she is safe in my arms. 

One of the killers men went to deliver word of the baby's arrival. The guard returned saying the killer  would come see me soon. I await and then we can choose a name for her. I hope he falls in love with her as I have. Why wouldn't he? She carries his blood through her tiny veins. I am more relieved because I think she will not have to go away from me when she reaches age..I will have my beautiful daughter at my side.

A few days have passed and I have sent word to a couple of papers. I am a proud mother. The world has to know of this perfect little being. I have been spoiling her rotten already. She will have everything she needs. I have brought a basinet for now to keep in my room but I think I may build a house here in Brundi and make a home. I have so much to buy and this small room will not hold it all. In the meantime I have also decided to think on a few names for my precious daughter. No will be perfect.

After careful consideration and a scroll sent to her father for approval. I have chosen to name our daughter, Soraya S Sabina. PERFECT...(Pic will be changed soon, date correction)

Mon. August 25, 2008

He says I deserve better..

I told him he was wrong..He was my better..I will begin by saying I didn't expect him..its the least to say since he always comes unexpectedly. In any case I was so happy to see him as always. I had laid Soraya down to nap but she must have heard or seen him coming since she surprised me by running outside to greet her father with open arms. He scooped her in his arms and held her close. He came bearing gifts to her and she loved them. 

Miss Sally and her small trunk of clothes for her other ladies has been a hit. She doesn't part with her. She even sleeps with her new doll. She invited her father to have tea. He accepted her invitation and he waited for me to show him in which felt odd since he knew my home was as much his..I considered it our home.

I escorted them inside, holding the door open while he entered with Soraya. When she was let down, she headed off to prepare the tea party. I closed the door and walked to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and asked him why he had not given me my kiss. He kissed me on the cheek. I pulled away once Soraya returned grabbing his hand to lead him to her playroom. I followed. Most of the time I remained silent. Watching him and thinking. I knew him too well to know something was terribly wrong in this picture. After the tea party. Lucien was called to stay with Soraya so we could talk. 

When alone, I responded to him as I always had..caressing, holding, kissing and loving him. He stops me and we begin to talk. We were together for three en'vars and no one ever knew.  He said I deserved better but I told him he was wrong. Ahns passed and we shared moments of sadness, anger, sarcasm but it was all due to how I was feeling. I could never hate him because I loved him so much. I chose to live a life other women would selfishly deny themselves. To share a man. I was happy but I think he felt as though he was holding me back because we shared minimal time together. I did not mind, I tried to tell him this. I never complained. I accepted it but he would not accept it. I know he loved his woman and although he said he did not love me as he did her, he did love me. The reason I say this, now..with a clear mind is because we once had a conversation about the different types of love. Not once or twice but numerous times, he told me he loved me. It was not something I imagined. We both shared something wonderful and exciting. A drug we both needed. 

I finally accepted he was ending what we had. I did not demand..yes I cried. I felt as though I was drowning and I couldn't come up for air. My heart was wounded and it was unbearable. When he had to go. My eyes silently pleading for him not to end it but it was over. We shared one last kiss. One last embrace and I had to pull away and turn around or I would not have been able to let him go. I froze, holding my breath until I heard the door close behind me. It was then I collapsed to the ground to cry uncontrollably. Lucien always there to pick me up and hold me.

Now I have to pack some things and leave my home with my daughter when Aram comes for me. He was made my guardian. I protested but its for my own good he says. I don't think so but I will comply..For the sake of my daughter whom I love with all my being..

A chapter ends, A new chapter begins...or has it?